the calling

one happy thought

it's okay to cry because when tears evaporate, they help make pretty clouds. :)

the most honest exchange we've had in months

he was coming out of the room, i was doing the dishes.

he sings, "ikaw pa rin ang hanap ko, mapapatawad ba ako? muli't muling sasambitin, sinisigaw ng damdamin..."

i sing, "i'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale. i'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up a stairwell..."

no, we weren't exactly singing to each other.

do not write about your pains

if it isn't about overcoming, do not write it. it will only immortalize the agony. write about the good stuff, think positive, think happy. happiness attracts happiness. the pain will pass, but only if you let it. so let it. do not dwell on it, do not think of it unless you can top the thought with a resolution to be happy.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.  Philippians 4:8


write about the good stuff. tell stories of victory, of becoming a better and happier person, of learning, of the grace of God that is able to heal all brokenness (Psalm 147:3), of His strength that is able to succor (Philippians 4:13), of His love that covers even the darkest sins.

Talk of God. Talk of love. Overcome.

this, too, shall pass

i hate the way you make me feel
i hate the way i know and you don't
i hate the way you keep me here
i hate the way you stay and don't

but i'll stay and i'll smile
and i'll laugh and i'll cry
and i'll live through sleepless nights
but i'll be alright

i'll watch the clouds and then the stars
i will walk when i want, and run when i can
i'll only be stronger, more able
better deserving of a better man

new pen happiness

i have this weird source of joy: using up ALL the ink in my pen and then buying a new one. no, i don't make special effort to use up all the ink. i just watch the ink level go lower and lower each day. and then three or four months after i bought the pen, the ink's all gone and i have to buy a new pen. i looooove new pens.

lost pens depress me. i so hate losing pens. and some people can be so insensitive. they'd borrow my pen and pass it around and then lose it. and they'd tell me they're sorry and i tell them it's okay. and i do try to be okay. but only because i am still beginning to see how weird it is, this thing for pens (which, by the way, also happens for notebooks but to a lesser degree).

the last pen served me for more than four months. march 4 (how could i forget?) up until july 17. it's the second pen that stayed with me until the last drop of ink. i now lay it to rest.

and i just bought a new one today. me is sooo happeh. :D

the people i meet

there's this book i read way back. the five people you meet in heaven by mitch albom. and i'm thinking of something else. something like it, but not really. i'm thinking of the people i meet here on earth and why i meet them. and/or why they meet me.

i love post-it notes from God

i thank God for the daily reminders. "kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises." and "thank you," no matter how i listen to it just doesn't sound the same as "i love you." doesn't mean the same, too. but innocent kisses are sweet and heartfelt presents are always nice and honest "thank yous" never fail warm my heart.

it's called faith

i believe in heaven, in miracles, in angels, in love, and in happiness. i believe there is a truth, that peace is possible, and perfection. yes, even perfection. i believe in dreams and in prayers. that there is beauty in sunshine and in starlight. i believe in the blue of the sky and in the glimmer of a peacock's tail. i believe in friendship, in dragonflies, in rainbows as much as in rain. i believe in laughter, and in silence, and in the wisdom of the wait.

the point is....

i pulled my hand away from his and we fell silent.

it felt, to me, like some sort of defining moment.

we didn't speak until the rickety pickup came into view again up ahead.

we laughed at it, and at each other. sort of with each other.

no, he isn't my boyfriend.

which is exactly the point.

earlier he had asked if he could come to my best friend's wedding with me.

i asked him why when only a few days ago he didn't want me to go.

i asked him why even though i knew exactly why.

i asked him why even though i knew he would never tell me.

it was, of course, the white dress.

if i left it up to him, i'd be wearing white all day everyday.

Or that dark shade of pink.

i would act my age and wear my helmet.

i wouldn't think too much, or reason too much, or argue too much.

the white and pink i can live with. the helmet too.

more often than not, he believes i'm his responsibility.

where i go, who i'm with, when i get home.

sometimes, we both think he's my responsibility.

he wrote my name as emergency contact on his driver's license.

i had him erase it. he cares for the way i wear my hair.

he used to ask me to keep his wallet and phone for him.

he's very forgetful.

now he just asks me to keep his phone and driver's license.

his wallet's almost always out of sight. which is just as good.

it's not my picture he keeps there. not that i'm jealous, mind you.

it's not all laughter, you see. those rides.

sometimes it's silence. and sometimes it bothers him. never me.

it's the same route we take almost every day.

but this talk of weddings.

sometimes we just can't laugh with each other.

from under the pillow he said not to bother.

i had promised to invite him to my wedding.

my best friend had not invited him, i said.

"there's a fine fine line between reality and pretend"

he's used to me singing on the ride home. then good night and et cetera.

earlier he had pulled me into a hug.

he's used to picking up my hand, sliding his fingers through mine.

sometimes, he draws it to his mouth. sometimes it's my forehead.

his lips barely graze my hair. and then a look in his eyes.

he is not that forgetful.

he isn't my boyfriend.

which is exactly the point.

runaway

ngayon ay birthday mo, ikaw ay maligaya. katulad ngayon, mukha mo'y masaya. sana'y marami pang birthday ang abutin mo. happy, happy birthday sayo! happy, happy birthday sayo!

pasalubong ha.

walk with me

and while you're at it, please think of me, too.

my puppy loves

doesn't it ever bother you that the first things the newly-washed puppies do after you put them back in their newly-cleaned house is pee and poo, and then roll in their pee and poo?

it sure does bother me. and i wonder why i'm still keeping them. and i imagine what's gonna happen when they multiply and multiply.

but then they start rolling over one another and squabbling. and so i fall in love with them all over again. they squeak in the way that only 40-day old puppies can squeak and i promise myself that i'll keep their house clean most of the time (there really is just no way i could keep it clean all of the time).

an unwashed Paprika

Kino fell off this high chair, so he's behaving for this shot

sorry Rocky, i forgot to turn off the flash

i miss you, pepper and tomi. i hope they're taking care of you all right. :D

all five of them were born January 12, 2010. they're named for kitchen condiments. Tomi is short for Turmeric (why he wasn't named Tortor is another story entirely). Rocky is for Rock Salt. And Kino is short for Kinugay which is a kind of brown sugar. Pepper and Paprika are, well, Pepper and Paprika. i wanted a Cayenne and a Cinammon and a Ginger. but i only got five puppies and only two are girls. so there.

Si Janet

Komplikado ang among nahimong panaghigala ni Janet. Aduna siya'y dili-kaayo-tago nga pagkagusto sa akong suod nga higala, nga niadtong panahona, nangulitawo kanako.

Luyo niini, among gipaningkamutan ni Janet nga magpabilin nga managhigala - bisan pa sa padayon nga pagpangulitawo ni lalake kanako ug sa padayon nilang sekreto nga panagtagbo.

Nanglabay ang mga panahon, ug kaming tulo nagkabulag-bulag. Apan dili sa makausa lamang nga higayon, akong mahuna-hunaan kung unsa ang mahitabo sa higayon nga magkita kami pag-usab. Maski sa akong pagkaligo, kanunay nakong makita sa akong hunahuna ang mga mahimong mahitabo. Sa sulod sa akong kasingkasing, gilauman ug gikahadlokan ko ang maong panagkita.

Nausab ang tanan usa ka buntag, sadihang ako nag-andam sa sulod sa gamayng banyo/CR alang sa akong naandan nga tunga-sa-oras nga pagkaligo.

Brian (sa sala): Gladys! naay nangita sa imoha! Pagdali!

Ako (sa banyo): Ha? Tarung dira.

Brian: Lagi, pagdali ba.

Ako: Kinsa daw?

Brian: (dyutay nga kahilom) Janet daw!

Ako: Pagtarung Brian ba!

Brian: Tarung lagi. Importante daw.

Ako: (nataranta) Mogawas ko?

Brian: Ay, alangan. Pagdali.

Ako: (nagdali-dali ug ilis)

Pag-abri sa pultahan sa banyo, nisugat si Brian.

Brian: Pagdali, kay kalibangon ko.

the end

****ako lamang kining gisugilon tungod kay kagabii, niinom ko sa soymilk nga gihimo ni Brian, ug karong buntaga, adunay nahitabong dakung gubat sa akong tiyan. Human sa pamahaw, samtang si Brian naa sa sulod sa banyo/CR, nagdaug ra gyud ang gubat. Ang nadaug mao si "Janet," ug wala koy laing nahimong singgit sa kadaugan kondili "Brayaaaaaaan! si Janet!!!!"

Comes The Dawn

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts And presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open. With the grace of maturity, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on Today because tommorow's ground is too uncertain for plans, And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure... That you really are strong And that you really do have worth. And you learn and learn and learn .... With every goodbye you learn. -Veronica A. Shoftstall

Beach and the Brothers

...and boundless skies and blue waters.

that's brian with the guitar. anthony's whistling. and i, sunburned i, singing in the usual off-key. they gave me almonds and dates in appreciation. though brian handed them to me with what sounded like "shut up."

it's beach bliss.

candid creative chums (and cycles and chairs)

bagsy, you're probably the most tastefully creative person i know. it's truly an honor to have known you.

maki, you're one of the most candid. it's a most definite joy to know you. and have i told you? i love your name.

:)