from My Notebook: Unsent Note

I want to break just a small hole through your walls - just a small one. I want to reach in through the muddles and hollows and touch you somehow. I need to know that when all of this is through, you'll be okay - no, better than okay. You have to be better, less lost, understanding more, happier, more mature, more ready.
I have to touch you somehow, make a difference somehow.
I am bothered by today - hurt and betrayed.
But for as long as I can, I will try.
I cannot let this go to waste - not the tears nor the brokenness, nor the friendship that could have been.
But...
I don't think I can hold out much longer.
So please. Hurry.
-01-21-2009-

Sometimes I

Sometimes I think of hugs

And you opening your arms
A smile on your face, another in my heart

But when I step into your embrace

I stop and turn to ice

Sometimes I close my eyes

And chase dragonflies in my mind

Over hills, across meadows, under rainbows

Till they rest by creeks that you once loved

Then something in me flutters,  writhes, and slowly dies

Sometimes I dream that dream

Of fires lit that never go out

Of clouds drifting into shapes I better love

But winds are such cold, unruly things

And  I awake to find that I dream just a little too much

Sometimes I wonder

About flights and buses and motorcycle rides

And hands held, slumbers taken side by side
About roads hidden beneath cloud and dust

Then fogs lift and dreams end come morning light

lessons the boys taught me

first i learned about pain and loss and how to keep my head afloat. i realized how strong i was.

then i learned reason, that sometimes you need to allow others to suffer and grow. i realized my worth and the power of my will.

after that i learned to dream, to ask for the things that i want, to never settle for less. i realized what i truly wanted and that i am ready to grow up into it.

today, the lesson is patience and faith. i realized that i am ready, but that i must wait and that i must trust that all will be well because i am found.