Meet Me in St. Gallen

Hating-gabi

Bago mag-umaga
Habang ang mundo'y nakapikit
Dumito ka muna
At magkubli
Bilang munting liwanag
Sa aking gabi

Ilan pang sandali
Magpapaalam ka na
At muli
Ilang magpakailanman
Ang bibilangin
Bago ang hating-gabi

Dumito ka muna
Ilan pang sandali
Manatili
Bago sugatan
Ng walang hanggang liwanag
Ang ating gabi

Where I Met the Chubb Chubb

MEMORY OF A DREAM

Where the moon was only slivers
Through trees, like golden rivers
Of light on his face.

Where the night alone was witness
To the birth of two faint voices
That cried Freedom, Grace.

On a hill that cradled dreamers,
Under stars calling us to adventures,
There was me, and there was him.

In a hammock on a mountain
Moon-kissed I, there shivering,
Awoke... and met my dream.

a letter written on a sleepless night

did it never cross your mind that all you needed to do was tell me you won't see me nor talk to me anymore, and i really, seriously would have understood? we both could have had peace. was that too much to ask?

was it too hard for you to consider that when people leave suddenly and without goodbyes, they leave large gaping holes in the place where beautiful memories were once cherished?

i want to explain to you how i always found it difficult to trust people, and yet i trusted you. why did you have to do what the others have done? why did you not care whether i understood or not? you see, i would have understood. and i would have let you go with many well-wishes. was a little honesty too precious to spend on me?

you all can tell me that i assumed just a little too much, that you had every right and freedom to leave the way you wanted to. and maybe i won't be able to look you in the eye next time we meet because sometimes even i think those things. but in that part of me where i keep the truth, i will always know what you weren't honest enough to acknowledge nor brave enough to end manfully.

so now i have to live with the lie that has become of my memory of you. and even as i tell people that you are a good man, i don't think i can ever truly believe that again.

Some Nights

Some nights, I hear myself
scream your name into the void
without breaking its silence
Some days I stare
at my palm wishing
I could hit you just once
and not remember you again.

From the Bridges of Madison County

But, I am, after all, a man. And all the philosophic rationalizations I can conjure up do not keep me from wanting you, every day, every moment, the merciless wail of time, of time I can never spend with you, deep within my head.

from My Notebook: Unsent Note

I want to break just a small hole through your walls - just a small one. I want to reach in through the muddles and hollows and touch you somehow. I need to know that when all of this is through, you'll be okay - no, better than okay. You have to be better, less lost, understanding more, happier, more mature, more ready.
I have to touch you somehow, make a difference somehow.
I am bothered by today - hurt and betrayed.
But for as long as I can, I will try.
I cannot let this go to waste - not the tears nor the brokenness, nor the friendship that could have been.
But...
I don't think I can hold out much longer.
So please. Hurry.
-01-21-2009-

Sometimes I

Sometimes I think of hugs

And you opening your arms
A smile on your face, another in my heart

But when I step into your embrace

I stop and turn to ice

Sometimes I close my eyes

And chase dragonflies in my mind

Over hills, across meadows, under rainbows

Till they rest by creeks that you once loved

Then something in me flutters,  writhes, and slowly dies

Sometimes I dream that dream

Of fires lit that never go out

Of clouds drifting into shapes I better love

But winds are such cold, unruly things

And  I awake to find that I dream just a little too much

Sometimes I wonder

About flights and buses and motorcycle rides

And hands held, slumbers taken side by side
About roads hidden beneath cloud and dust

Then fogs lift and dreams end come morning light

lessons the boys taught me

first i learned about pain and loss and how to keep my head afloat. i realized how strong i was.

then i learned reason, that sometimes you need to allow others to suffer and grow. i realized my worth and the power of my will.

after that i learned to dream, to ask for the things that i want, to never settle for less. i realized what i truly wanted and that i am ready to grow up into it.

today, the lesson is patience and faith. i realized that i am ready, but that i must wait and that i must trust that all will be well because i am found.

This Bus Ride

Alone among strangers, you and I

In the dark of a little past midnight

On a bus ride to dawn

Alone with the wind cold on our faces
The traces of fear sleep gently erases

On a bus ride heading home

Dreaming together, waiting for morn

In the silence of slumber, a warmth is born

On a bus ride to dawn

My head on your shoulder, your fingers through mine

On this bus ride to dawn,

On this bus ride heading home

growing up

he's hurting. but he's growing up...

i have to let him have this.

?

it's 1:28 am and i still don't know how to live a full life.

Personal DNA

Plong's Pizza Party

last night, i went out with old friends and had lots and lots and lots of fun.

we bought pizza for the go....

(of course, i get a veggie lovers exception)

added some fries, chips, and drinks...

went somewhere quiet (so we could hear each other's shouting better)...

and took silly photos of one another...

(my favorite shot of the evening)

I love my friends!

there are those times (bitter times) when we just want to let ourselves go and show the people who've hurt us our pain, saying "look what you made of me. look what you turned me into. look at who i've become because of you."

it could be cathartic. to just point the finger at someone else.

but truth is, who and what we are will always, always be our choice.

i'm not supposed to say this

i shouldn't have searched for her. or browsed through her photos.

i should just have stayed away from seeing anything.

because i'll have two whole years to look anyway.

two years.

i'll look at everything and live everything.

oh God, help me.

remind me why.

i have to go.

the calling

one happy thought

it's okay to cry because when tears evaporate, they help make pretty clouds. :)

the most honest exchange we've had in months

he was coming out of the room, i was doing the dishes.

he sings, "ikaw pa rin ang hanap ko, mapapatawad ba ako? muli't muling sasambitin, sinisigaw ng damdamin..."

i sing, "i'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale. i'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up a stairwell..."

no, we weren't exactly singing to each other.

do not write about your pains

if it isn't about overcoming, do not write it. it will only immortalize the agony. write about the good stuff, think positive, think happy. happiness attracts happiness. the pain will pass, but only if you let it. so let it. do not dwell on it, do not think of it unless you can top the thought with a resolution to be happy.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.  Philippians 4:8


write about the good stuff. tell stories of victory, of becoming a better and happier person, of learning, of the grace of God that is able to heal all brokenness (Psalm 147:3), of His strength that is able to succor (Philippians 4:13), of His love that covers even the darkest sins.

Talk of God. Talk of love. Overcome.